Post-Op Day 6: Captain Jack

I'm a wild man. I'm pretty much a hard-core bad momma in surf shorts. Women love me, men fear me.  It's a blessing and a curse. During this whole knee surgery I've had a tough time dealing with... well the ugliness factor. No one likes ugly. My knee has been constantly described as ugly, hamburger and mine shrapnel. I have staples and stitches all over my knee. Not pretty. So let's turn this frown upside. I blinged up my newly acquired piercings with a touch of Captain Jack Sparrow inspired by my endless movie viewing. I took some pirate loops and Captain Jack beads and worked my magic. These staples come out tomorrow so let's party 'til it's 1999. Here's me acting like a tough guy - quite contrary to the blog title and real life attributes. Needless to say, my wife wasn't too thrilled about the idea and grudgingly obliged to snap these photos. Seems as if the pirate's "Argh!!!" growl is getting on her nerves but of course Andrew is in hog heaven. He has his sword and pirate hat out and is loving having a new partner in "Argh!" We sword fight a lot and he cuts off my hands, arms and legs then moves in for the death blow while making all the appropriate vocal background noises, "Whatcha! Huah!" It's good stuff. Since this is bugging certain people, I'm thinking that these whole pirate thing has legs. I'm going pirate all day.

Though ruggedly handsome with a devilish whit, I possess a great brain. It's pretty special. While sitting in my own filth for almost a week, for I was unable to take a shower due to the stitches and staples, I decided to escalate my stink problem to my great brain to figure out a cure. Sure I could take a sponge bath but who are we kidding, that really doesn't work. It just moves the stink to a different place. There's lotions and perfumes but that only masks the stench. No... I needed a shower because I stunk like a skunk. (Have you ever noticed how animals names often mimic a noticeable attribute? Stunk and skunk, Ssssnake.) So I put my great brain to work. In literally tens of seconds, the answer came to me. I can shower if the knee stays dry. Boom! The great brain delivers. So how do I keep the knee dry? By putting something flexible yet waterproof over the knee. What could do the trick? A common kitchen staple in every house - plastic wrap. I wrapped the knee in plastic wrap and taped the two ends. I slipped into the shower and the heavens opened and I literally heard harps and beautiful music raining down from above. That was the best shower I've ever had bar none. The wrapped knee never saw a drop of water. I not only showered, but shaved and applied appropriate lotions and perfumes to bring me back to civilization. It feels SO good to be clean again.

There was a price to pay for the shower. No the knee didn't get wet, but the heat from the shower and the time away from my beloved friend, the ice machine, was brutal on my knee. It quickly puffed up like a balloon and then mister pain and his friends were dancing on my knee. No fun. So I'm preparing Camp Chad for some scripture reading and spiritual enlightenment on this fine Sabbath day buttressed by watching my Duke Blue Devils win today and go to the final four.